Negative Talk

Every Monday I refill my weekly pill container. Seven pills go in each day, five vitamins and two important ones. I'm not sure if they are working as well as I wished they would. I'm not suicidal anymore, at least I dont think I am. But the sadness is still there, and then the hopelessness comes. Soon I start feeling worthless, and wonder who would even care. My days are filled with negative talk from depressed me. Then positive me has to fight, but lately positive me is getting tired. "When will all of this end? When will I have to stop fighting!" she says. And then I become depressed, because it seems like negative is winning, and I dont understand why. I've gone to group therapy, individual therapy, I see two different psychiatrist, I've taken about 6 different pills ( all with different doses). I cut out caffeine, started eating better, sleeping at night and not the day. I work out now, play volleyball on a regular basis. Made good friends, been on dates, even kissed someone last night. I even went to a psych ward for 4 days. I'm getting weaker, it's hard to fight, and my expiration date for making a decision about going back to school is up. 3 weeks, that's all I have left until I'm back in Florida. And I hope that I will be better by then. I know that fighting depression doesn't happen over night, but I really thought 4 months would do the trick. Will I always be like this? Should I start looking up things where they electrocute me to make me happy? Last night I saw Side Effects, you know with Channing Tatum  in it. It was about a woman who was depressed, and the pills she took made her "accidentally" kill her husband. However it was one of the first scenes in the movie that got to me. The main woman decided that she was going to try to kill herself by slamming her car into a brick wall. And I saw that and I thought "Its just that easy... right?" Four years ago when I was dealing with depression I thought about killing myself by hitting a tree with my car, the thought has never left. But then I wonder will my depression ever get that bad? That one day I will just be looking at a wall and BAM! Its all over.