Negative Talk

Every Monday I refill my weekly pill container. Seven pills go in each day, five vitamins and two important ones. I'm not sure if they are working as well as I wished they would. I'm not suicidal anymore, at least I dont think I am. But the sadness is still there, and then the hopelessness comes. Soon I start feeling worthless, and wonder who would even care. My days are filled with negative talk from depressed me. Then positive me has to fight, but lately positive me is getting tired. "When will all of this end? When will I have to stop fighting!" she says. And then I become depressed, because it seems like negative is winning, and I dont understand why. I've gone to group therapy, individual therapy, I see two different psychiatrist, I've taken about 6 different pills ( all with different doses). I cut out caffeine, started eating better, sleeping at night and not the day. I work out now, play volleyball on a regular basis. Made good friends, been on dates, even kissed someone last night. I even went to a psych ward for 4 days. I'm getting weaker, it's hard to fight, and my expiration date for making a decision about going back to school is up. 3 weeks, that's all I have left until I'm back in Florida. And I hope that I will be better by then. I know that fighting depression doesn't happen over night, but I really thought 4 months would do the trick. Will I always be like this? Should I start looking up things where they electrocute me to make me happy? Last night I saw Side Effects, you know with Channing Tatum  in it. It was about a woman who was depressed, and the pills she took made her "accidentally" kill her husband. However it was one of the first scenes in the movie that got to me. The main woman decided that she was going to try to kill herself by slamming her car into a brick wall. And I saw that and I thought "Its just that easy... right?" Four years ago when I was dealing with depression I thought about killing myself by hitting a tree with my car, the thought has never left. But then I wonder will my depression ever get that bad? That one day I will just be looking at a wall and BAM! Its all over. 

The begining

        My name is Rachel, and I suffer from depression. I honestly think I have dealt with it my entire life. I was one of those kids that seemed so happy on the outside, but on the inside I just wanted to cry. I have dealt with serious depression ago about four years ago, right before my senior year of high school. For no reason I just became so sad, and started having thoughts about suicide in my head. All I wanted was for someone to listen to me. My friends ignored it and same with my family. Eventually I was able to find a therapist to talk to and started to become a lot better. Four years later and it is back again, but it is so much worse then before. So much has happened in four years. I learned who I am, changed my way of life, made mistakes, gained friends, got rid of negative people, made mistakes, lost people important to me. When your 18 you think that nothing will change, this is who you are and this is what your life will be forever. I couldn't of been more wrong. I have changed, and for the better. But something was always missing, hope.

       It started in February this year. I just started to become very sad. I assumed, and so did other people, that it was just because of the guy I dated a year ago who past away. We had just started dating when he passed, and he always talked about how next year we would do this, and that, and so on. Well, it was next year... and he wasn't there. I became sad, cried a lot. But it seemed like I couldn't stop. The sadness just consumed me. I stopped caring about school, friends, health, hygiene, everything. I would go days with out showering or eating. Getting out of bed felt like the hardest thing in the world. I started to isolate myself, maybe a little too well. No one really knew what was going on, they could see something was wrong, but only a few asked. Most people just ignored it. It was my problem, not theirs. Time went on, and I kept getting worse. The anniversary of Nathans death past, and I was still crying.

       Bad thoughts started to consume me. Lots of what ifs. What if I just stopped eating? What if I stopped talking to people? What if I didn't wake up tomorrow? What if I did something harmful to myself? Everyday these thoughts would try to win, try to beat me into doing something. I fought them, and it wore me down. I then started to think about who would care? No only that but would people notice? I lived in a suite with five other girls, but I had my own room. If I just fell asleep and never woke up would they notice? Probably. But would it be a few minutes... hours... days? How long would it be until someone said " You know I haven't seen Rachel in awhile". And then, the thoughts started winning.

        I'm pretty sure I tried to kill myself by starvation a few times, but eventually hunger would win. I thought about crashing my car, using pills, drinking so much alcohol that I don't wake up. Many thoughts popped into my head during that time. And then one day I just started crying, and I just wanted the sadness to end. I had a bottle of Excedrin PM and some left over champagne. All I thought about for half an hour was I could just take all of these and pass out. Maybe I would wake up... maybe I wont. I was trying so hard to fight these feelings, and thankfully texted someone. I thought that the hard part was over, but I was so wrong.

       One week later I left school, with only two weeks left. Thankfully I was able to finish up online and not get any incomplete. That was two months ago exactly. I have talked to multiple people, started working out, try different medication, go to an out patient program. But I feel like I am no where better from two months ago. I just recently started contemplating suicide again, and I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to beat this, that it will beat me. But I just feel like I am being dug deeper and deeper into a whole with no hope of getting out.

       While I have been back home I have felt very alone, and I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. My therapist talked about writing down stuff, she probably meant more like a journal but I think a blog is good too. I just feel like there has got to be hope, that I'm eventually going to get out of this. I just hope its soon, cause I don't know if I can wait till later.